Grief
Grief can be described as:
· Intense sorrow, especially by someone’s death;
· The normal response to a major loss;
· The anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person/pet;
· The primarily emotional process of reacting to the loss of a loved one through death;
· Very great sadness;
· The emotional response to a loss, defined as the individualised and personalised feelings and responses that an individual makes to real, perceived, or anticipated loss.
I have recently lost a dear relative after a long fight with a very rare and challenging lung disease. I am thankful that I got the opportunity to visit her (although brief) a few weeks before her passing. That visit triggered my own grief from when my Mum passed away when I was 20 years old from lung cancer. She was only 45! I knew deep down that visit would be the last time I would see my aunt, and it was absolutely gut wrenching. I remembered how I felt before my mum died, and all I wanted to do is reach into my cousins and take all that deep, painful, gut-wrenching sadness and heart-breaking pain away for them.
It was strange to have such conflicting but complementary feelings of loss and sadness for both my mum and my aunt at the same time. One had been gone for nearly 28 years and the other was one step closer to her end of life. At times it was really confusing, and I was unable to tell which one I was mourning at the time. It was probably both.
I think grief can make you feel a little crazy. A fog comes over you and suddenly you can’t think straight, let alone make any decisions. I feel mine deep down in my stomach, like a heavy brick pulling at my guts. My anxiety goes through the roof and my stomach starts feeling like it is turning into this massive knot or weighted ball.
Grief is different for everyone, and it is a long slow process that could very well be lifelong. There are many triggers; anniversaries are by far my hardest to get through. I believe it is true that with time it does get easier. I wouldn’t say it’s less painful, for me it’s probably more that I feel more comfortable and at peace with it.
I found journaling over the years really helped me. I wrote poems, drew, created artwork, and wrote many letters to my Mum. I kept them all in a folder and still have them today. I read through them recently after my aunt passed away. It was both comforting and sad. I felt for my younger self. It was my first real loss, and I was in my first year of university and had no one to talk to. All my relatives lived in a different state or overseas. My Dad moved into the hinterland house he and mum were meant to retire in, and closed himself off, as did my brother. I didn’t have a car or mobile phone and felt really isolated and alone in my grief. There is so many things that I would change for my younger self if I could go back. Unfortunately, back then I didn’t have the know-how or resources to support myself properly.
If I could go back, I would tell myself:
Acknowledge your pain.
Accept that grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions.
Understand that your grieving process will be unique to you.
Seek out face-to-face support from people who care about you.
Support yourself emotionally by taking care of yourself physically.
Recognize the difference between grief and depression.
Furthermore, expect that you may experience 5 stages of grief in any order. These are:
· Denial – “This can’t be happening to me”
· Anger – “why is this happening, it’s so unfair”
· Bargaining – “Make this not happen and in return I will…”
· Depression – “I’m so sad, I can’t stop crying”
· Acceptance – “I’m at peace that she isn’t suffering anymore”
These stages of grief may feel like a roller coaster full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Like a roller coaster the grief may be rougher in the beginning, and the lows may feel deeper and last longer. Grieving periods should eventually become less intense and shorter as time goes by, but it takes time to work through your grief.
However you choose to grieve, make sure to take care of yourself through your process and be kind to yourself,
Jo
