What is Mental Overload?

27 July

Recently I was sitting in a meeting with our tax accountant and my husband going through my business tax obligations and found myself not listening, but instead writing in my notebook a bunch of things that had nothing to do with my tax return:

To Do List in my Brain:

Find desk calendar for the new financial year,

Look for white board for office, “do I actually need one though”

Source noise cancelling headphones for online client meetings

Book appointment with supervisor

Look into blood pressure monitor

Book skin check

Finish pension application for son

Find out about the latest invoices from XYZ as somethings not quite right

Have we paid the support coordinator?

Did we put in a claim for the support worker last week?

Book bowling for son’s birthday

Go birthday shopping for son no.2 and son no.3…

Make sure my invoices are up to date for the work week

Did Miss V pay her invoice that was due?

Have I replied to the school emails from the other day?

Vacuum up dog hair AGAIN – my eyes are so itchy

Check whose medications need refilling

Who fed the dogs last and who is next to do that chore?

Work out what to do for dinner tonight and if we need to stop on the way home, and so on…

This is called MENTAL OVERLOAD!

Managing day-to-day responsibilities can be exhausting, especially when you’re only considering your own needs. However, when you factor in a partner or children, the weight of the burden can become overwhelming. The concept of the ‘mental load,’ also known as cognitive load, encompasses the invisible and intangible tasks required to run a household.

Further adding to this overload is when you must constantly remind your partner to uphold their end of the bargain, make to-do lists for them, or maintain a chore chart. That’s still work for you and adds to your mental burden. For example, if your partner says to you “Don’t worry honey I will stop at the shops on the way home and get stuff for dinner this afternoon. Just write me a list and text me what we need”. So, you must go to the effort of not only thinking what to have for dinner, but also check the pantry and fridge, write a shopping list, and THEN text it to your partner. By the time you do all that you might as well of gone to the shops yourself.

If these burdens go unshared and aren’t addressed, they can add up (mental overload) and become the elephant sized problem leaving you frustrated, distressed, and on the edge of burnout.

Research suggests,

According to a 2019 study of nearly 400 married or partnered mothers, nearly 65 percent were employed. However, 88 percent also reported they primarily managed routines at home and 76 percent said they were mostly responsible for maintaining regular household standards and order. Source

So how do we bring up our mental load with our partner???

I was introduced to a video on Zach Watson’s Instagram page who shares all explanations and information on the mental load for women and how partners can help ease their load. I showed my husband one of his videos and he had an ‘ah ha’ moment. He was a bit defensive at first but now he seems to get it.

During our meeting with the accountant, I noticed my husband was watching me write my never ending to do list in my brain. When we got in the car he said “I don’t want you worrying about meal planning, shopping or cooking this week. Please leave it all to me. I’ll drop the pension application in to Centrelink while you are at work, and follow-up with the boys with their chores…”. I was like thank F#@k!

Check-out Zach’s website and Instagram account. He also has a free downloadable pdf going into detail about mental overload and actual examples to help partners understand the concept.

Webpage: Zach Think Share Invisible Labor Education Link Tree (recoveringmanchild.com)

Instagram account: Zach Watson M. Ed. (@realzachthinkshare) • Instagram photos and videos

I would suggest finding a video or explanation of something that explains your mental load. Deliver it to your partner gently, without being attacking. Expect there could be some defensiveness in response from your partner. That is ok, and I would encourage that you acknowledge why they feel defensive, and you are appreciative of what they already do contribute. Explain that you are certainly not having a go at them, just trying to explain it from your perspective in a way they can understand.

Remember its not a competition of who and how much each of you do. It is a partnership!

I hope this helps. Please email me at joannaevansart@gmail.com and let me know how you go with discussing your mental load with your partner.

Good luck!

FYI – I have no affiliation with Zach Watson but have found some of his content informative and helpful in my personal life.